"Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." -- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Another anniversary, another tough day. While I celebrate the times we had with you, I remain acutely aware of your absence. And with the loss of you came the loss of so many other things. I didn't want to become somebody else, but it happened all the same. C.S. Lewis also said "There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me." I think I know what he meant when he said that. We are still here, but we are not the same. While we move through the world like anyone else, we can never touch it again in quite the same way. There are joys, and laughter, but they are muted, not just by the sorrrow of your loss, but in the loss of faith in those illusions that good things happen to good people, that there is time, that there is safety. It's hard to experience the world in the same way when the innocence of those imaginings is gone.
I remember reading once, be it a myth or an old wives tale, that sometimes events are so tragic, so traumatic, that they create a ripple in whatever fabric separates this life and the next...that the veil between realms is thinned on anniversaries of those events. It may not fit into any religion that I know, but, I like to think that on days like these, when our hearts are aching and we lay flowers, light candles, and remember you, that you are just a little closer to see the love we lay out for you. I like to imagine you are a little closer to us on these days. Sometimes I believe I can feel it.
I hope you are a little closer tonight. I hope you know I got you colored roses, that I have a vase that seems just made for you, Laramie, and Brooke, and that I still raise up hearts, and love, like you were so good at doing. I know you know we all miss you, and I hope your memory is dancing in the hearts and minds of all of your friends tonight as well.
I hope you know what a joy you brought into our lives...I think you always knew that, but I don't think you or any of us knew then that they were the best years of our lives.
Tonight I will sit back, and close my eyes, and watch you dancing in your flower girl dress with your bunny at your uncle's wedding. I will watch you play fighting with your brother in the basement of grandma and grandpa's farm house. I will watch you tease Uncle Loops. I will look down at you, nose crinkles and eyes squinted as we spin round and round til dizzy, and hear you say "Spin me again Aunty!" I will watch you at the playground with Grandma. I will laugh at you watching TV curled up with Grandpa. I'll watch you as a young lady hopping in the car with your mom that last trip home when I saw you. I will watch you with your cousins around the Christmas tree. I'll watch you carrying Burpee cat everywhere. I'll watch you drawing, and playing with horses. And my heart will break again with the bittersweet combination of pain and happiness that it all brings Because in his wisdom, C.S. Lewis also said grief is all the love you want to give but cannot...grief is just love with no place to go.
I hope you feel all the love, my special girl. We love and miss you so much.
