The Bereaved Mother's Path

 I think this year, my sister says it best.  Her perspective, as a mom, came across in her writings today...something honest, brutally vulnerable and bare, and when I read it I felt like there is someone out there that really needs to hear what only another mother can express.  I wanted to share her words today.  

"The anguish of following your heart to do what you love is near impossible when it's broken. Nothing that this day demands as life goes on can deny the memory that has hold over me of this day. I relive every moment of that day, every feeling in overwhelming detail. I don't know if it's true that departed spirits relive their deaths and over, but I do.

The smell of the last load of laundry I did before we left, the sound and smell of her hairspray, the sound of her jeans swishing as she walked past me, texting on her phone as she walked, her key lanyard hanging from the pocket of her silver jeans, the way you blew upwards on your bangs because you were waiting on a hair appointment next week and it was too long, the smell of your gum and the way I hated how you chewed it. All the teenage drama of the day of how to meet up with who and where, riding in your car listening to your terrible play list and you and Laramies chatter and laughter behind me.... And then, laying in bed that night as the two of you carried on upstairs above me, rolling my eyes to myself listening to the two of you, part of me wishing for you to be quiet, the other half enjoying every silly moment. Never could I have imagined in that moment before I fell asleep that would be the last time I'd have that feeling ever again. No inkling of the nightmare about to occur in the day ahead where I would find myself standing in a still room, staring in disbelief at the bed the 2 of you had laid giggling in, staring blankly at the 2 pillows where your heads had been. Nothing left of you, but an undescribable void, except all the things of teenage girls scattered around the room as you'd left them. Gathering it all up into the lulu lemon bags you'd brought them in, in disbelief you'd never come home ever again, wondering how any of it could be true.

Today is not just an observance of a recurring calendar date. This day is reserved for a single, silent reverence that I selfishly demand time stop for, to hold the memory of your last day above everything else. Today is the single day I stop everything and permit myself to allow the memory of the tragedy that took you to escape the chamber of my heart where it must every other day remain locked, and I give way to all the things that must stay tucked away, unspoken and unexpressed as life continues on without you. To allow the silence be filled with the memories of the last day I had with you, and to recall how life was when you were part of it. To take solace and treat my unmended heart and examine it for all its pain, so that I can again travel the path all bereaved mothers must.

Its not that I need a calendar day to remember you by. You are remembered EVERY day. I thank God for you each and every day i had you here, EVERY Day. Not a single day ever passes without thinking what it would have been like with you in it. There has never been a single day in 16 years that something didn't remind me of you.

You were the magic in my life, though I didn't know it then. And though I have survived the trauma, the all encompassing shock of losing you, I am forever changed

by your loss and the loss of everything magical that you brought to our lives.

I sometimes wish everyone knew the me I was when I was completed by a daughter who was a fierce and beautiful force in this world, full of charisma, and beauty, who set the world on fire with her spirit and perspective. You touched so many lives with your unmistakable energy and brightness, you lent others courage and strength with just the confidence of your smile. You made me a mom and changed me the very first time I held you, and then again when I held your hand for the last time 16 years ago today.

I miss you Jaycena, my mad girl. I miss you more than I could ever have believed possible. I miss the magic and the sparkle you brought to our lives and to our family. I miss who I was with you. I miss all the moments that should have been shared with you these last 16 years. And most of all, I miss who you never had the chance to become and all the dreams I had for you.

What it meant to lose you, the world will never know." -- Leanne Mann

To have a daughter "who was a fierce and beautiful force in this word, full of charisma, and beauty, who set the world on fire with her world and perspective." It must be every mother's dream. It is a worthy pride. And an unimaginable horror to lose such a daughter.

My sister isn't alone in this, and Jaycena wasn't alone in her fate either. Brooke, Laramie, and Jaycena were together when a car struck theirs. Brooke and Laramie were also fierce and beautiful and full of joy and potential. Beloved by friends and family. Forever remembered in the hearts of all who knew them. My heart is with three mothers today.

The aftershocks continue, year after year, through family and friends and communities. A birthday, an anniversary, the smell of a type of hairspray can shake one to the core, even after all of these years. The shock of 16 years -- life has gone on as long without her as we got to live with her. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder not just who she would have been...but who would I have been as well.

Jaycena, Laramie, and Brooke -- you are loved, missed, and honored with tributes today, but more importantly loved, missed, and remembered every day.

Love you today, tomorrow, and always.

Thirty Two

 It's that kind of late summer day.  From the center of that old farmyard driveway, you can look between the last grainary on the end of the row of bins and the edge of the old steel Quonset.  There is tall grass that moves softly in the wind, a mixture of green and yellow blades swaying to the side, that mixture of colors like a mixture of summer and fall, wet and dry days.  A little path is visible in that grass, and your eyes follow it to the old runway,  and the hilly field behind it.  The sky is that deep dark blue, not quite purple.  It is rain coming, or is it twighlight? There is just enough of a breeze to blow her hair left, which it strikes me is a southerly wind.  Her head is tilted slightly to the right, I imagine she is listening to something he is saying. I can't hear them, their backs are to me, but there is an easy peace between this pair. Jaycena and Dad are sitting at the edge of that grass, shoulder to shoulder, looking out at that field.  Maybe they are watching those skies for a storm.  

But then I woke up.  Before I could get closer, and decide if I heard there was a giggle, or what soft words would be carried by on that wind.  I had this dream a while ago, but I think of it often.  In my mind, it makes me believe that at least they are together.

Today Jaycena would be 32.  16 years with and almost 16 years gone.  I have dreaded this milestone, the one where the time without overtakes the time with.  And it was indeed a hard day, just as I figured.  But, it's her birthday, and this day should celebrate all that she brought to her family and friends, and the world around her.

I always wonder what her day to day life would be like if she'd had the chance to see it.  I think back to when I was 32, and as I recall there was so much laughter, so many good friendships, and such fun.  And so whatever that day to day was, I know she would be surrounded with love, and at the center of much laughter and joy.  Just how we remember her.  I am pretty sure she would have been a force to be reckoned with...but can only imagine how she would have focused those passions.  Would it have been on a career, kids, a cause, or a series of adventures?  Maybe some of it, maybe all of it?  I know I would have been so proud.

Happy birthday our beautiful girl.  Thank you for being someone who exuded so much love, joy, honesty, and compassion that it spilled out and became something that they rest of us can still carry around with us.  Someone that I can close my eyes and think of, and can't help smiling because every memory you are either smiling ear to ear, laughing hysterically, or looking remarkably peaceful in a simple moment, or on a crappy day, you would still being comically dramatic about it all, that it made the rest of us laugh and want to cheer you up even if it really did suck.

I love you Jaycena, today, always and forever.  Give Grandpa a hug for me.  We will sit quietly tonight and listen to the echos from those far away days, and set out little lights and memories of thing near and dear to your heart, and thus ours.