Thirty Two

 It's that kind of late summer day.  From the center of that old farmyard driveway, you can look between the last grainary on the end of the row of bins and the edge of the old steel Quonset.  There is tall grass that moves softly in the wind, a mixture of green and yellow blades swaying to the side, that mixture of colors like a mixture of summer and fall, wet and dry days.  A little path is visible in that grass, and your eyes follow it to the old runway,  and the hilly field behind it.  The sky is that deep dark blue, not quite purple.  It is rain coming, or is it twighlight? There is just enough of a breeze to blow her hair left, which it strikes me is a southerly wind.  Her head is tilted slightly to the right, I imagine she is listening to something he is saying. I can't hear them, their backs are to me, but there is an easy peace between this pair. Jaycena and Dad are sitting at the edge of that grass, shoulder to shoulder, looking out at that field.  Maybe they are watching those skies for a storm.  

But then I woke up.  Before I could get closer, and decide if I heard there was a giggle, or what soft words would be carried by on that wind.  I had this dream a while ago, but I think of it often.  In my mind, it makes me believe that at least they are together.

Today Jaycena would be 32.  16 years with and almost 16 years gone.  I have dreaded this milestone, the one where the time without overtakes the time with.  And it was indeed a hard day, just as I figured.  But, it's her birthday, and this day should celebrate all that she brought to her family and friends, and the world around her.

I always wonder what her day to day life would be like if she'd had the chance to see it.  I think back to when I was 32, and as I recall there was so much laughter, so many good friendships, and such fun.  And so whatever that day to day was, I know she would be surrounded with love, and at the center of much laughter and joy.  Just how we remember her.  I am pretty sure she would have been a force to be reckoned with...but can only imagine how she would have focused those passions.  Would it have been on a career, kids, a cause, or a series of adventures?  Maybe some of it, maybe all of it?  I know I would have been so proud.

Happy birthday our beautiful girl.  Thank you for being someone who exuded so much love, joy, honesty, and compassion that it spilled out and became something that they rest of us can still carry around with us.  Someone that I can close my eyes and think of, and can't help smiling because every memory you are either smiling ear to ear, laughing hysterically, or looking remarkably peaceful in a simple moment, or on a crappy day, you would still being comically dramatic about it all, that it made the rest of us laugh and want to cheer you up even if it really did suck.

I love you Jaycena, today, always and forever.  Give Grandpa a hug for me.  We will sit quietly tonight and listen to the echos from those far away days, and set out little lights and memories of thing near and dear to your heart, and thus ours.