9 years and safe to say "They" got a few things wrong

9 years.  And my heart breaks again.

So I am just going to come out and say it.  I have tested the wisdom of the ages and I feel convinced of a few things. Time does not heal all wounds.  Nobody ever falls for 'it's better to have loved and lost...'  There's no getting over it, getting on with it, or getting around it.  And Eleanor Roosevelt, this too, does not pass.  Ever notice if you drop a rubber ball it doesn't 'bounce back' to it's original height?  Can't get back to normal if all the things that are normally there are now not.  Those who know grief know that they collective "they" who brought such adages into place either didn't intend to apply them to grief, or were at best poetically insensitive if not complete emotional shysters.  Just saying.

Perhaps the ancient Egyptians captured it better.  Speaking a name breathes life into they who have vanished...to say one's name is to make them live.  I like the sound of that.

Brooke and Jaycena.  As long as we carry your names on our lips, your faces in our memories...you remain.

Jaycena and Laramie.  As long as we carry the sense of your spirit in our hearts, as long as we live, you remain.

I do my best to spot beauty, and see it as you might. I cannot see heaven through your eyes, but I hope somehow you can see this world through mine.  I took this picture yesterday while thinking of you.  "Fleurs," I thought, remembering your voice and the way you said it.  I was thinking you would find them beautiful as I did.

But today when I look at it, I realize perhaps I see beauty most when it reminds me of you.

 I guess I am realizing right now, that even through the tears of today and all these years, I am grateful for all the beauty you left us...your smile, your laughter, the best hugs in the world, the gentleness of your heart, and the purity of your expression.  But oh how we miss you.

25 years

Feb 18, 1993.  25 years ago this amazing person came into our world, but was only allowed to stay for a short 16 years.  This day hasn't gotten any easier over the last 9 years, it's a bittersweet pulling in the heart of wanting to celebrate all the joy and happiness she brought into our lives against the drag of all the heaviness of grief that time cannot lighten.

So today, I want to share some of her gifts.  Her smile, and the spark in her eye that hint at all her joy, humor, and exuberance.  Even if you didn't know her, you can tell this is a girl who you would share laughs with, who could make the mundane fun, who was filled with energy, gentle kindness, and bold spirit.

To those who did know her, I hope these photos of her smile remind you to listen for the echo of her laughter mixed with your own -- around a table, in the hallways of your younger years, mixed in with the smoky scents of a summer bonfire, and rising above a quiet Saskatchewan backdrop on the crisp air of a quiet afternoon or a twilight summer sky.

And may we also remember the times beyond the laughter.  When tentative dreams unfolded into plans, the times we cried, the times we learned from each other, and maybe just the times that seemed like they meant nothing at all -- laying on the floor listening to music, watching a movie on the couch, going for a drive  -- not knowing that those times really meant everything.  Because in those times, you were content to quietly hang out and invest in each other the most precious commodity any of us have -- time.

Today, as we remember the start of this precious life, and how much she meant to all of us, I hope we also remember how much she loved her friends, and family, and the true warmth of being loved by her.

On this day I can never help but think of how her life, and her loss, each changed me.  It's probably the hardest day of each and every year now.  During her 16 years, she made me braver, bolder, yet more grounded.  I remember her little voice on the phone as a very young girl calling from her grandma's house saying it was time I came home for a visit when it had been too long, and in all truth the main reason I bought a home that she pre-declared around age 6 that she would be living with me in the city when she went to university, and I wanted to have a place ready just in case.

I remember the sound of her voice so clearly, the strength of such a big presence, even as a very young girl.  The laughs, the silliness, trying not to laugh when it wasn't supposed to be funny but it was comically dramatic (who can forget the classic sign on the door one day that read "keep out.  i've been having a bad day for 3 days now").  I remember how she hovered over her little brother when he was small.  I remember the seriousness of a 12 year old girl who wouldn't drive the seated lawn mower around the yard even though it looked fun because it came with a manufacturer sticker that said children less than 16 shouldn't operate it.  The toddler I had to pick up and run through the crosswalk with to cross the street when they visited the city because she had been instructed as a farm kid that she must never go into the road (and she wasn't going to let me do it either).  I know she felt her emotions so deeply.  I watched her friendships blossom, and watched her go from a little girl who drew horses into a girl who loved the artistry of her camera and computer, and wanted to study graphic design.  I smiled as she told me how she loved volleyball, and wondered how the years were going so quickly when she met a boy.

I remember you so vividly, I miss you so much.  Love you Jaycena... today, always, and forever

Hello 2018

Hello 2018!  I hope that you and I can be friends.  I admit that my relationship with 2017, and to be fair 2016, was somewhat antisocial.  Work and sleep replaced adventuring.  But we did some good things 2017 and I.  We invested in physiotherapy for the knee.  We traveled to Utah for 3 weeks of  training.  We finished some work projects that really mattered.  We got to see some old friends who were kind enough to come to us.

But 2018, I hope we get to read more books together.  I hope "the hiking club" makes a hike this year.  I hope to take some amazing new photos.  I hope I can take my turn at flying to visit the friends who have visited me here.  I hope, 2018, that we suffer gains and not losses (unless we are talking inches and pounds, 2017 got that wrong).

We'll make a deal 2018 -- you bring good things, and I will pledge to show up.  I'll be there on weekends this year to enjoy you.  I'll stop hoarding those vacation days and let you show me new things, and revisit favorite places.  If you bring rain, I'll bring the new book.  If you bring sunshine I shall bask in you.  Maybe somewhere along the way we'll find some balance.

I was surprised to check in on you, little blog, and see you still have some readers along the way.  I will try to post more pictures of beautiful Alaska this year, and share whatever little adventures 2018 and I find.  Happy New Year all!

Hatcher Pass

I had heard there was an abandoned gold mine in a place called Hatcher's Pass.  I googled it, and saw pictures of wooden structures giving in the weather and time, and peaceful green alpine meadows.  It was May, and a gorgeous sunny day, so I decided to do a road trip.  Spring was everywhere...until the road turned upwards.

I'm going to start with "the victory shot" of the day.  This was my favorite photo.  A red roof against the white and blue of a pristine mountain valley.  It's probably my favorite because it wasn't easy to get.

This photo explains the day a bit more.  As mentioned earlier, it was a bright sunny day when I started this journey in my running shoes.  This us about the halfway point.  You may notice an absence of road.  This is because my car is outside of the view and it was a long, uphill walk in rather deep snow, which was fortunately packed on a path for skiers...but off the trail I think I might have just fallen through like a sinkhole.

I had to face serious mountain beasts, like this jedi marmot armed with a twig and ready to smack me down.

The irony of the sign was not lost on me.  As a first time visitor to the area, it was somewhat ironic to find a roadsign after an rather vigorous and lengthy snow hike.  Apparently, if you're normal, you wait a few weeks and just drive up/

Another thing the normal people in the area were doing...skiing.  Normal people show up here with skies.  I may not be normal, but I am most certainly determined and I struggled all the way to up to the old mine, ski-less, in my running shoes.  I may be a little stubborn.

I did eventually concede that a closer inspection of the buildings would simply not be possible on this particular day.

And I even found the parking lot...confirming there would be a summer road somewhere.

My stubborness paid off though, and soon people figured "hey, if that crazy lady is walking up there so can we."  And so i was rewarded with passing a few small groups on the way back down, including this little pug.  It was quite a journey for me, so I figured this little pug was a super athlete.  I asked if I could take his picture, and when I leaned down I said "Hello little mountain dog!"

He rewarded me with a stoic pose, looking back down the mountains.  And as I left, his owners, tickled pink, could be heard exclaiming about their amazing little mountain dog.

I also encountered what appears to be an abominable snow mosquito.

And I almost missed this well camoflauged snowbird.  It may be an arctic ptarmigan, but I'm not sure.  I quite recommend Hatcher Pass...but maybe a little later in the season!

A little New York By Christmas Night

Lo and behold, another unfinished post, started a good 6 months ago.  The pictures were already uploaded, so will share a little New York City lights!

There's something magical about a few days in Manhattan!  The bustle, the times square lights, it's a city that always feels alive!

Walking towards Times Square (in uncomfortable shoes, if I recall).

Harry Winston's at Christmas...it looked rather luxurious.

The windows reminded me of a pattern of jewellery :)

Then there was this quasi-gothic looking hotel front, The Peninsula as I peered down a side street.

All of the stores has their Christmas lights up.

I kind of loved this one wrapped like a present.

And of course, there is always the late night glow of the hot dog stands.

Nothing says New York like a random vent of noxious gas lighting up the night.  This was just around the corner from Trump Tower.

We couldn't believe how many police were out and about.  After counting 11 cars in under 3 blocks, I thought New York must really take safety seriously.  And then we came on the mobile ops unit.

Yeah, they were all assigned to watch Trump Tower for the President Elect.  I asked one police officer how he felt about so many officers assigned to watching federal government employees.  He gave me a look, but didn't answer.  As for the protesters, by this point, there was one lone dude with a sign.

The famous Tiffany's.

Saks 5th Avenue Christmas window,

They actually had my favorite windows this year.  Very striking.

Very Vogue in fact.

The front windows of course had moving, animated figures.  Always impressive!

And it was a nutcracker theme of course!

The main characters below.

And near the Rockefeller center are some of my favorite Christmas decorations.  The giant tree ornaments!

I couldn't remember where I had seen them on my last visit, so we wandered quite a while to find them!

Mental note...check across from Radio City Music Hall first next time.

The last ones, I love the 3 deer.

Jaycena -- 8 years

I know a lot of people are missing you today, each in their own way.  We miss you every day, of course.  But I guess we mark March 28 as day 0 of days without you.  8 years.  2920 days spent knowing what has been lost.  That knowledge will stay with us all of our lives.

So I try to focus in on remembering what was.  That you were fun -- you made your friends and family smile.  You not only shared in the happiness...you were usually central to it.  You created laughter and memories as you went along.  You were a catalyst in creating so many memories for so many people.

You were growing up into an amazing young woman.  We are left to imagine the finer details, but it's clear who you were.  You were confident, beautiful, strong, smart, funny, and bold.  You were also kind, sensitive, and caring.  You had so many friends that attest to this fact.

We are missing you a bit extra today.  We are remembering you, Laramie, and Brooke.  Sometimes it's hard to believe the world has had the audacity to carry on and keep turning these years.   I never thought I'd quote a Canadian folk song, but I found myself thinking of a line in a Joni Mitchell song, "We're captives on the carousel of time."  How true.  We would stay forever back in time if we could, but it drags us further from our last hug and our last chat each day.

But no amount of time can take away all of the special moments you infused into our lives.  Your laughter is a part of our consciousness.  Your earnestness, sincerity, your honesty made small moments an indelible part of our own hearts and souls.  We carry those exchanges with us every day.  The courage you gave a friend with support is never undone.  The happiness deposited in our lives is real and tangible to this day.  In these ways, you are with each of us still.

We love and miss you Jaycena.  We will never forget how truly amazing and special you were.  And you are with us still in so many ways.  Still love you today, forever, and always xoxo