Today marks 17 years since I last heard your voice. I have dreaded this milestone, where my last memory of you becomes officially older than you ever got to be. But here we are all the same.
I look inside for beautiful words today and come up feeling rather hollow. So I look outward instead for little marvels of beauty that I know you would appreciate. I picked up some tulips in a neat vase...picking the brightest and most colorful array I could find. Pinks tinged with orange, reds, yellows, a base of green in your favorite shade, and a dusting of baby's breath.
I smiled at the little waxwing that I always feel lucky to catch a site of. There are dozens of them that frequent the feeder, but just one with such pale colors as to appear more white than brown, with the cutest dusting of red fluff on the head and chest. Stands out in a crowd, and think you'd have enjoyed seeing this unusual little bird.
Birds and flowers...two things that definitely make me think about you.
I think I will take a little road trip south of the city today, along the coast. That view changes every time you see it. And that's another thing that makes me think of you...wonder. Just being able to enjoy what's in front of you. You always find humor and fun in an ordinary randomness...something you could create at will, or just enjoy when it spontaneously erupted. Joy. That also makes me think of you.
Sometime around this time of year, my mind slips back in time, and I remember an ordinary conversation with you, on an ordinary weekend as you headed out to an ordinary day with friends and volleyball...a day that ended with the end of everything ordinary. I feel like I have just heard your voice, Grandpa and Laramie in the background. I can almost feel the spring air around the farm that you would have felt, and I feel an echo of the last peace in that time before there was no more.
You cared for everyone so deeply, I think you would wish we wouldn't feel your loss so acutely still. But if the depth of grief is proportionate, it sure shows how much you three girls were treasured.
I know that there will be lots of days that I can hike up a mountain and marvel at a little flower jutting out from a rockface, enjoy the beauty of a skyline, and take pleasure in looking at funny bugs and rocks. It's always a little harder to find my peace with it on this day, but I will find those beautiful, funny, randomly weird things throughout the year, and think of you with a smile when I do. I will take a quiet day, and enjoy letting the reels of memory play on extended play today. I'll remember your voice and the things you said, the feel of a warm summer Saskatchewan day, the peace of a lazy boring morning, the fun of a long afternoon, and throw in a reel of the chaos of a Christmas. I am smiling a bit as I think of it now, and glad I hold your 4 year old giggle in my head right now, as well as your 15 year old banter. In fact, as I looked through old photos to post I stopped on this one, and started laughing and sobbing all at the same time. Perhaps there was nothing capable of being just ordinary with you around.
You are so loved and missed Jaycena, Laramie, Brooke. Individually, together, by family, friends, and a community, I know you are missed acutely today. The world was richer, more colorful, more lively when you roamed it.
And despite the how difficult your absence is, you all still color and enrich our lives by the way you affected us. As they say, you live with and within us as long as we shall live. I am grateful for all the wonder, joy, laughter, and extraordinary ordinary days that were your gift.
Love you today, always, and forever. ilu <3
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