Happy Birthday Angel

 Happy birthday to this incredible, beautiful soul who would be 33 today.  Beautiful despite being in a car, airports, and a plane for the better part of 24 hrs (think I would be in trouble for using this pic, but I always think she was just so naturally beautiful, and so effortlessly confident and happy).

I think it's fair to call you Angel, although am quite sure your affinity for joy and randomness would jokingly have involved some devilish antics from time to time by now.

It's so hard to imagine what things you would have chosen to do, and see, and be with the twists and turns a life can take over these almost 17 lost years.  I caught myself feeling a little lost in that mystery, but it didn't take long to center and remember that no matter which paths you went down, you'd still be you.  Maybe there'd be another beach vacation that we all went on, certainly there would surely be dinners and meet ups filled with raucous laughter, and teasing, even though I won't ever know who all would have been at that table if things had been different.

Thank goodness you gave us so many memorable moments to carry with us on this long journey without you.  When the sound of footsteps on that journey echo with the solitude of solitary steps, the sound of your laugher is vividly at hand, forever on the playlist of my heart.  Your earnest gestures given so long ago still light up a dark day in the shadow of all of this time.  I can always think of the bug bowl you gave me and cannot help but smile no matter what the day has brought.  The trust given when your tiny hand slipped into mind as a toddler braving some steps gives me bravery when I don't feel strong.  And weight of your head on my shoulder gives me a memory of having such faith in future days, if not a sad naivety of how fragile this whole life is.

So today, I am grateful for the little girl who joined our family and rocked our world 33 years ago, who seemed to always know exactly who she was, and graced us with all of her gifts and her authentic self...the woman who I think would be unsurprisingly amazing...maybe with a whole different life than I can imagine, but the very same spirit I have always known.

You are so incredibly missed.  Love you today, always, and forever Jaycena.