Catmas Trees

If you have a cat, or two or even three or more, you know that your cat(s) have a complicated and somewhat volatile relationship with the entity known as a Christmas tree.  The old adage "home is where the cat is," rings true, because I never even thought of getting a Christmas tree until the year I brought Lexi and JJ home.  That's when a college apartment stopped being a place to crash and became a place to call home.  It was many years ago, in a galaxy far far away...no wait, wrong story.  But it was a long time ago. Of course, in that year, there wasn't a fake tree to be found anywhere in the city...and you all know I refuse to kill a real tree for entertainment.  My demise being well documented at coffee break, as all of my demises are, the secretary came running into my office mid day with a flyer to announce that Canadian Tire received a last minute shipment of artificial trees.  Known to be found in my office at 11pm, or 2am if I couldn't sleep, no one really minded that I tore out the door and down the elevator and across town in the middle of the afternoon on Christmas tree quest.  I secured one of the few in stock, and looked frantically around for decorations...they were also picked over, but I found a few good ones, and even splurged on a little porcelain village that lit up and everything.  I went back to work, where everyone was almost as excited as me that I found a tree, and waited til the end of the work was done that evening to go home and set up a cozy little Christmas tree. 

It was well after midnight by time I assembled the tree, strung the lights, added the ornaments and tinsel and sat back to admire its blinking, sparkly beauty.  I was exhausted, but it wouldn't be complete without the porcelain village.  I assembled it on the fireplace mantle, carefully arranged the little figurines carolling and doing their Christmas activities, and it was then that Lexi and JJ suddenly developed an interest in Christmas.  As I plugged in the village and looked at my two wide eyed cats, I have that nervous feeling one associates with a premonition, and headed to the kitchen to get the duct tape so that I could fasten the cord to the mantle and it would not be dislodged by any prying kitty paws.  I didn't even make it out of the kitchen before I heard the crash of my porcelain village on the marble around the fireplace.  I rushed into the room just in time to see JJ eat the dismembered head of one of the villagers.  Not even a glue gun could save it now.  I supposed I could save the headless villager scene for next Halloween.  After a long and stressful day, I sat down for a little cry as I picked up the pieces of my dream Christmas village before wandering off to bed.  I hoped JJ had eaten a smooth villager head, and wouldn't require emergency surgery.

Sometime in the night, I heard a distinctive tinkling sound.  I knew it must be a dislodged ornament.  I walked into the kitchen and found Lexi batting around a shiny ball.  I told her "Noooo," and walked into the living room with a smile to hang it back on the tree.  That's when I saw that the tree was lying smooshed on the floor, atop several broken glass balls, and ornaments everywhere.  JJ was camped out inside the branches like it was a bed, sucking tinsel off the branches like the little dog eats spaghetti in the movie "Lady and the Tramp." 

JJ likes sparkly things as much as I do apparently

Sometimes, a day is worth more than one good cry.  I picked up all the broken glass, propped the tree up against the couch, and went to bed once more that evening hoping JJ wouldn't need emergency surgery from eating the tinsel.  The litter box was as festive as my tree for the next couple of weeks.

As the years went on, I developed a few survival skills for me and the Christmas tree over the holidays.  Here are some tips I learned the hard way if you need to figure out how to manage Christmas vs Catmas.

Rule #1.  Set realistic expectations.  You think it's a Christmas tree, your cat thinks it's a giant toy.  Embrace the fact that both of you can enjoy it if you do it right.

Lexi cat popped out in the upper 1/3 of the tree much to my surprise

Rule #2.  No tinsel.  Seriously.  It's bad enough seeing your cat go by with an extra silver tail, but tinsel or string can kill a cat by getting tangled in the intestines.   And you can never get the stuff 100% off the artificial tree, I cannot tell you the hours I spent trying (which were matched by JJ chewing the branches also trying to get to that delicious tinsel).

Rule #3.  Take your time.  I learned to reduce the kitty excitation level by a time delayed tree assembly sequence.  Day 1 I would pull the box out of the closet and open it.  They would spend most of that day and night rolling on all the branches in the box.  If you want to be really brave, you can put the stand out with the pole in it, but I wouldn't go further than that.  Day 2 insert the branches.  Day 3 add those blinking lights that drive them into a frenzy, and on day 4 add the ornaments.  You can extend the delays if you have particular rambunctious cat cohabitants.

Rule #4.  Develop a rigging system.  Your tree needs to withstand vertical assaults by your cat roommates.  I found a simple trip to the hardware store for a hook that normal people use to screw into a ceiling to hang a plant from can also be screwed into a wall as a mount for a rope to go around the tree.  It never toppled again.  Of course, if you put your tree close to a window you can even hide the hook behind a curtain where it won't make you look ridiculous the other 50 or so weeks of the year.

The rigging system allows for kitty trapeze and other tricks

Rule #5.  Decoy ornaments.  Buy cheap, glitzy plastic ornament and load the bottom of the tree with them.  They are kitty safe and keep the cat from seeing your treasured ornaments, which you hang at the top of the tree.  Do a risk assessment when ornament shopping, taking into consideration cost, breakability, the method of attachment (hook or loop -  loops withstand far more shaking than the hooks), and how much fun the game of is-it-yours-or-mine that you will have with the cat.

Rule #6.  Play the long game.  At some point, you will have to go to work, go for groceries, or sleep.  The cat however, is always there.  I repeat....the cat is always there.

Rule #8.  The size of the tree is indirectly proportionate to both destruction and fun.  The small tree I had in Bermuda took it's share of biting and bashing, but was never as utterly devastated (or enjoyed) as much as the large tree in Canada.

Rule #9 -- Take any tree photos as soon as you are done decorating.  It won't look like that for long. 

Rule #10.  Have fun.  You know they will!