Bittersweet Season

"Death ends a life, but not the relationship." -- Robert Anderson.

I heard this on TV the other day and it rang very true to me.  I googled the author and it is credited to at least 3 different people, most commonly an author who used the phrase in 1997 in a book.  But Robert Anderson, who died in 1967, is also cited, so I will give him credit in this case.

It's Christmas.  Hopefully your trees are up, your presents wrapped, baking done, eggnog ready for cheer, and all is well in your world.  I am pretty well ready.  I love the Christmas season...the preparation, the days of thoughtful gift shopping, the parties, sending out Christmas cards, decorating my tree, and seeing for just a brief period the unified effort of people all around you focusing on the very same thing.  Christmas Day itself is a different story.

It used to be my favorite day of the year, until 2009 when my niece and her two friends were killed on a March evening by a moron who hit them by speeding through an intersection on the wrong side of the road while they were turning in it.  Christmas Day, and all holidays, are forever one person short of a family event.  The girl who lit up 16 Christmases with her excitement and smile is forever gone.

This morning in Florida, a colleague and part of the Bermuda circle of friends, will be laid to rest following a car accident as well.  The circumstances are different of course, but grief is weighing heavy on many in Bermuda and beyond today.  Greg was a big guy, with a big heart.  Greg served with the US armed forces, I think it was the air force, and he was hugely patriotic.  Sometimes his views on this clashed with other friends from other countries, but no argument no matter how good or logical ever swayed him from that deeply rooted American pride on pretty much any subject matter.  He proved to be good counsel to some friends in need, and was always happy to chat.  He enjoyed pina colada's and golf on his time off, and probably scores of other things I didn't know about.  What I do know is he always met me with a hug at work, and that says a lot about a person.

I think many times people don't know what to say to a family who has lost someone, be it child, parent, sibling, or spouse.  So they say nothing at all.  That silence may be more comfortable for you, but it does nothing to alleviate the pain of a family who is missing someone.  The thing I have learned in grief is that I don't want the person I cherished to be banished from conversation or 'left out.'  I love opening facebook and seeing that someone else has found a new picture, or posted a note.  I love that she is still loved, still thought about.  People may not tell you about it, but they have little 'rituals' -- the obvious is visiting the grave site, leaving flowers.  There is also lighting candles.  Inclusion in prayers.  I visit the accident site.  I still buy her gifts because I cannot bear to Christmas shop without doing so.  Pictures.  Scrapbooks.  There is much already being done silently by a family who grieves.  Do not be afraid to say "You must miss her/him."  Do not be afraid to bring up old stories, good memories, as those bring smiles in their wake.  Is it possible you might get tears?  Maybe.  So what?  That's what friends are for.

And so, my heart goes out to the family of Greg Strickland today.  And also to the scores of friends who are also celebrating Christmas one smile short this year.  I know it will still be a happy day, but I also know there will be moments when the pang of loss is present too.  I can only hope you feel your loved one close in heart and mind when it does.