Bittersweet Season

"Death ends a life, but not the relationship." -- Robert Anderson.

I heard this on TV the other day and it rang very true to me.  I googled the author and it is credited to at least 3 different people, most commonly an author who used the phrase in 1997 in a book.  But Robert Anderson, who died in 1967, is also cited, so I will give him credit in this case.

It's Christmas.  Hopefully your trees are up, your presents wrapped, baking done, eggnog ready for cheer, and all is well in your world.  I am pretty well ready.  I love the Christmas season...the preparation, the days of thoughtful gift shopping, the parties, sending out Christmas cards, decorating my tree, and seeing for just a brief period the unified effort of people all around you focusing on the very same thing.  Christmas Day itself is a different story.

It used to be my favorite day of the year, until 2009 when my niece and her two friends were killed on a March evening by a moron who hit them by speeding through an intersection on the wrong side of the road while they were turning in it.  Christmas Day, and all holidays, are forever one person short of a family event.  The girl who lit up 16 Christmases with her excitement and smile is forever gone.

This morning in Florida, a colleague and part of the Bermuda circle of friends, will be laid to rest following a car accident as well.  The circumstances are different of course, but grief is weighing heavy on many in Bermuda and beyond today.  Greg was a big guy, with a big heart.  Greg served with the US armed forces, I think it was the air force, and he was hugely patriotic.  Sometimes his views on this clashed with other friends from other countries, but no argument no matter how good or logical ever swayed him from that deeply rooted American pride on pretty much any subject matter.  He proved to be good counsel to some friends in need, and was always happy to chat.  He enjoyed pina colada's and golf on his time off, and probably scores of other things I didn't know about.  What I do know is he always met me with a hug at work, and that says a lot about a person.

I think many times people don't know what to say to a family who has lost someone, be it child, parent, sibling, or spouse.  So they say nothing at all.  That silence may be more comfortable for you, but it does nothing to alleviate the pain of a family who is missing someone.  The thing I have learned in grief is that I don't want the person I cherished to be banished from conversation or 'left out.'  I love opening facebook and seeing that someone else has found a new picture, or posted a note.  I love that she is still loved, still thought about.  People may not tell you about it, but they have little 'rituals' -- the obvious is visiting the grave site, leaving flowers.  There is also lighting candles.  Inclusion in prayers.  I visit the accident site.  I still buy her gifts because I cannot bear to Christmas shop without doing so.  Pictures.  Scrapbooks.  There is much already being done silently by a family who grieves.  Do not be afraid to say "You must miss her/him."  Do not be afraid to bring up old stories, good memories, as those bring smiles in their wake.  Is it possible you might get tears?  Maybe.  So what?  That's what friends are for.

And so, my heart goes out to the family of Greg Strickland today.  And also to the scores of friends who are also celebrating Christmas one smile short this year.  I know it will still be a happy day, but I also know there will be moments when the pang of loss is present too.  I can only hope you feel your loved one close in heart and mind when it does.

An Ex-Pat Christmas in Bermuda

"So what is Christmas like in Bermuda?" people always ask me.  As I have spent all but 5 of my Christmases in the snowy north, I understand what is going through their minds.  Hollywood images of drab palm trees with strings of lights and cheesy plastic blow up Santa's on lawns, with out of place reindeer and not a snowflake in sight.  I don't think Hollywood has yet to successfully capture what Christmas without snow is like for the world.  Earlier this week I tried to blog about all of the festivities of the season on the island, and take some pictures of the gorgeous and festive decorations that we have in Bermuda.  To be fair, I think the displays are pretty good down here -- perhaps it's because there is more time to put up the lights before your fingers freeze off, but I have been pretty impressed.  Except for when I went to get a close up of the ornaments on the bough of the Christmas tree outside of city hall.  While I was manually focusing my lens and focused only on the ornament directly in front of me I heard a rustle...it was only then that I realized a street person had burrowed through the base of the tree (its boughs start at the ground) and made a cozy nest inside.  Seemed like a good time to abandon that photo and move along.  That definitely doesn't happen in the frozen North.

An ex-pat Christmas in Bermuda usually involves a communal friend dinner, a lot of phone time and skype time back home, but revolves around the sentinel event of the day for an Ex-Pat -- Christmas on Elbow  Beach.  This is a long standing tradition, and a not-officially organized event, nor does it require invitation.  All are welcome.  There is no structure, no set time, people simply gather on the beach, kids, adults, coworkers and friends.  Many years ago, the Association of Canadians in Bermuda hosted this event, but over the years it has just been a sea of people who come, simply because they know others will be there.  Champagne bottles are uncorked and glasses are raised to friends, fellowship, and Christmas.  On average, at least 2000 people visit the beach on this day, many in seasonal attire.

We claimed a central spot, so this is 1/2 the crowd at the beginning of the day

On this Christmas morning, I received a distraught text from Albert at 9am to say it was raining.  Fortunately I slept through that part, and when I got up around 10, the next text was from Phil who was donning rain gear and heading down anyway.  That's the spirit.  By 11:30 when I arrived at Siobhan's, a few steps from the beach, the rain was gone, and so we headed down.  Along the way we got a call from a very excited Albert and crew who joined us for the walk down.  Karen and Allison were also on the way.  So we donned our Santa hats and Christmas crowns....

Popped our champagne corks, beer, or soda if it was a work day, and set out to share some smiles and laughs with friends...both old, and new.

The girls of King Edward Memorial Hospital -- old friends

The Bermuda Police Service -- new friends

I helped made Albert's secret Christmas wish come true...even if only for a few seconds.  I voted these ladies best dressed and got their consent to take a photo of the spirit of Christmas at Elbow Beach...that's a pretty big smile Albert.

Best dressed -- plus making Albert believe in Santa all over again

And so this is the tradition of ex-pat Christmas in Bermuda.  Ex-pat's, Bermudians, tourists, revellers, police, pets, kids, Santa's, reindeer, and a lot of fun.  Come when you can, stay as long as you wish, and celebrate Christmas with friendship, goodwill, and enjoy the beauty of Bermuda.  If you find yourself in Bermuda over the holidays, don't miss this experience.  It makes being away for the holidays a lot easier!

After that it was home to Skype, text, phone, BBM, What'sAPP, and email all of the friends and family not in Bermuda.  It's the time of year where you get loads of mini-updates and catch-up's which will leave me smiling for days.  Next year, I will be watching for photos from the Beach, likely from a snowbound Christmas in Canada.  Hopefully the memories of 5 Christmases in Bermuda will keep me warm inside.