And She Would Be Thirty

Jaycena would be 30 today.  I find myself looking back on some the older pics I have -- the baby photos, the toddler photos.  Something tells me she'd hate it, being as my computer died once trying to upload them, and I just finished dropping my computer on my foot a second ago...taking it as a sign.  However, baby photos are a perfect thing to look back on for someone's 30th.

This one was has always been a favorite -- her mom sent me a letter with some of the first photos...this one said she loved laundry day.  I look at this one and think that even at 2 or 3 months she is finding that mischievious smile.  I didn't realize this until Jaycena came along, but her expressions as a baby were still with her as a teen...that personality is there all along. 

And here is one of the first photo's that would sit in the frame on my fireplace mantle for years -- sitting up for her Christmas photo, what little tuft of hair she had put in a bow, although I don't think she loved having bows in her hair for at least another decade.  That twinkle in those oversized brown eyes is there, and that smile is full on.  She could be hesitant, quiet, but once you earned that smile and that trust, then she was full on all the things in a 2 foot tornado.

Christmas was always my favorite time to visit...there was so much fun, so many surprises, everyone together.  This is one scenario my heart dare not even wonder about what could have been...Christmas with Jaycena at 30...but by god I bet the laughs would be good.

This photo always cracks me up, that expression is so her...in a dress, hair done up, standing still for photos...at this age there was not a lot more she disliked more than this very scenario, but she is doing her absolute best to just hang out with her bunny in hand and smile.  I bet all she could think about was kicking off those satin slippers and running through the flowers, getting some fresh dirt in her toes. 

I will always hear her little voice "take me to the pwaygwound".  No visit to Grandma's was complete without a trip to town to the community playground.  Grandma would take her there every time, and she would go up and down that little slide over and over and over and over.  She took fun time very seriously.

Grandma's house was grand central station.  A set of toys was kept there just for visits, and their mom and dad would always arrive with armloads of their favorite things for the visit.  Of course the bunny was the number one item of importance, but she loved and appreciated every toy and every gift.

I have always loved this picture too, the simple pleasures of catching the first snowflakes.  Pure contentment and bliss on that little face. 

So as I said earlier, I really believe you really are who you are at a very young age.  That makes it easier for me to know some things with absolute certainty today.  I know she would still have that smile, no matter what life may have thrown at her.  I know she would still love animals, and take pleasure in simple things...a lazy Saturday morning, fresh falling snow.  And of course she would have a cat or two.  And help any critter that crossed her path.

While we miss you each and every day, your birthday always reminds me of how lucky we were to have you in our lives.  It's not fair, and it still hurts every day that you are gone, but we were still so incredibly lucky to have you in our lives...niece, daughter, sister, grand-daughter, cousin, and friend.  

There are quotes that say "those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day.  Unseen, unheard but always near."  I believe that, I need to believe that.  So today, I will go stand outside in the fresh falling snow, and try to see it with the same wonder you did.  Whenever I am graced with a beautiful scene in front of me, or a rare moment, I stop, and soak it in, hoping you are enjoying it too.

I love you my beautiful girl.  I know you would be the most amazing person today.  I know it because that's who you already were.  Love you today, always, and forever.