Thoughts and Prayers

Over the past few years social media has demonized the phrase thoughts and prayers in the quest for action for a cause.  I cringe every time I see someone slam thoughts and prayers.  Because I love the thoughts and prayers sent over the years on behalf of Jaycena, Brooke, and Laramie.  Sometimes, thoughts and prayers are the only honest, raw, and real things that can be offered.  I think I speak for many of us who live with lifelong grief when I say we are grateful for every thought and prayer for us, and the angels we have lost.

Today marks 14 years since we lost these beautiful girls.  I wondered what I could write today...is there something profound and unsaid in my soul after all of these years? Or that the cold, bare truth is simply that it is still awful, ugly, and painful.  That it will always be an awful, ugly, and painful contrast to the wonderful, beautiful, joyous times we were gifted with them.

Perhaps the beauty of thoughts and prayers, is that they are lighter than truth.  And thus they are carried on the updrafts of hope, and at light speed by a text, ping, call from the solid foundations of friends and family and supporters, across miles and time zones.  And your own thoughts and prayers can lift you up as well.

Obviously I think of Jaycena often.  I wonder what she would make of something, where she would be today, what she would be doing at that moment.  I lean heavily into memories, hearing so clearly her voice or laugh. 

And I also still have prayers.  That she can hear me.  That she knows how much we love and miss her.  

And every now and then, something happens that makes me think of course she can, and of course she knows.  Like listening to my brother talk and hearing that little voice in exactly that tone of hers chime in in my mind with a wisecrack right where she would.  I have to also admit I had a sly smile when I was picking pictures today.  I had already gone to the store and looked at all the flowers, and these silly sunflowers were just the ones that spoke to me.  Then I perused some of her old facebook page photos back at the house and came across the one of her holding the sunflowers...it's not one I remember noticing before, but I like to think I had help finding just the right thing again today.

In our memories, they are vibrant, laughing, talking.  I can see, hear, and remember the feel of things in those memories.  Memories are thoughts too...and in a way, they are prayers within themselves.  Thoughts, prayers, and memories are golden.  So I thank you for sharing yours with us.

Jaycena, I often seek out beauty and experience with you in mind.  I stop especially to look at flowers and birds and wonder what angle you would photograph, what things you would find randomly amusing or amusingly random.  I often imagine you next to me, praying that you get to share the views and solitude.  And because of all that you have etched in my heart and mind, surely in some way I can say that you are.  Love you and miss you so very, very much...today, always, and forever xo