Flowers and Birds and Laughter Line Your Memory Lane

 Today marks 17 years since I last heard your voice.  I have dreaded this milestone, where my last memory of you becomes officially older than you ever got to be.  But here we are all the same.

I look inside for beautiful words today and come up feeling rather hollow.  So I look outward instead for little marvels of beauty that I know you would appreciate.  I picked up some tulips in a neat vase...picking the brightest and most colorful array I could find.  Pinks tinged with orange, reds, yellows, a base of green in your favorite shade, and a dusting of baby's breath. 

I smiled at the little waxwing that I always feel lucky to catch a site of.  There are dozens of them that frequent the feeder, but just one with such pale colors as to appear more white than brown, with the cutest dusting of red fluff on the head and chest.  Stands out in a crowd, and think you'd have enjoyed seeing this unusual little bird.

Birds and flowers...two things that definitely make me think about you.

I think I will take a little road trip south of the city today, along the coast.  That view changes every time you see it.  And that's another thing that makes me think of you...wonder.   Just being able to enjoy what's in front of you.  You always find humor and fun in an ordinary randomness...something you could create at will, or just enjoy when it spontaneously erupted.  Joy.  That also makes me think of you.

Sometime around this time of year, my mind slips back in time, and I remember an ordinary conversation with you, on an ordinary weekend as you headed out to an ordinary day with friends and volleyball...a day that ended with the end of everything ordinary.  I feel like I have just heard your voice, Grandpa and Laramie in the background.  I can almost feel the spring air around the farm that you would have felt, and I feel an echo of the last peace in that time before there was no more.

You cared for everyone so deeply, I think you would wish we wouldn't feel your loss so acutely still.  But if the depth of grief is proportionate, it sure shows how much you three girls were treasured.

I know that there will be lots of days that I can hike up a mountain and marvel at a little flower jutting out from a rockface, enjoy the beauty of a skyline, and take pleasure in looking at funny bugs and rocks.  It's always a little harder to find my peace with it on this day, but I will find those beautiful, funny, randomly weird things throughout the year, and think of you with a smile when I do.  I will take a quiet day, and enjoy letting the reels of memory play on extended play today.  I'll remember your voice and the things you said, the feel of a warm summer Saskatchewan day, the peace of a lazy boring morning, the fun of a long afternoon, and throw in a reel of the chaos of a Christmas. I am smiling a bit as I think of it now, and glad I hold your 4 year old giggle in my head right now, as well as your 15 year old banter.  In fact, as I looked through old photos to post I stopped on this one, and started laughing and sobbing all at the same time.  Perhaps there was nothing capable of being just ordinary with you around.

You are so loved and missed Jaycena, Laramie, Brooke.  Individually, together, by family, friends, and a community, I know you are missed acutely today.  The world was richer, more colorful, more lively when you roamed it.  

And despite the how difficult your absence is, you all still color and enrich our lives by the way you affected us.  As they say, you live with and within us as long as we shall live.  I am grateful for all the wonder, joy, laughter, and extraordinary ordinary days that were your gift.

Love you today, always, and forever.  ilu <3 

Happy Birthday Angel

 Happy birthday to this incredible, beautiful soul who would be 33 today.  Beautiful despite being in a car, airports, and a plane for the better part of 24 hrs (think I would be in trouble for using this pic, but I always think she was just so naturally beautiful, and so effortlessly confident and happy).

I think it's fair to call you Angel, although am quite sure your affinity for joy and randomness would jokingly have involved some devilish antics from time to time by now.

It's so hard to imagine what things you would have chosen to do, and see, and be with the twists and turns a life can take over these almost 17 lost years.  I caught myself feeling a little lost in that mystery, but it didn't take long to center and remember that no matter which paths you went down, you'd still be you.  Maybe there'd be another beach vacation that we all went on, certainly there would surely be dinners and meet ups filled with raucous laughter, and teasing, even though I won't ever know who all would have been at that table if things had been different.

Thank goodness you gave us so many memorable moments to carry with us on this long journey without you.  When the sound of footsteps on that journey echo with the solitude of solitary steps, the sound of your laugher is vividly at hand, forever on the playlist of my heart.  Your earnest gestures given so long ago still light up a dark day in the shadow of all of this time.  I can always think of the bug bowl you gave me and cannot help but smile no matter what the day has brought.  The trust given when your tiny hand slipped into mind as a toddler braving some steps gives me bravery when I don't feel strong.  And weight of your head on my shoulder gives me a memory of having such faith in future days, if not a sad naivety of how fragile this whole life is.

So today, I am grateful for the little girl who joined our family and rocked our world 33 years ago, who seemed to always know exactly who she was, and graced us with all of her gifts and her authentic self...the woman who I think would be unsurprisingly amazing...maybe with a whole different life than I can imagine, but the very same spirit I have always known.

You are so incredibly missed.  Love you today, always, and forever Jaycena.