The Bereaved Mother's Path

 I think this year, my sister says it best.  Her perspective, as a mom, came across in her writings today...something honest, brutally vulnerable and bare, and when I read it I felt like there is someone out there that really needs to hear what only another mother can express.  I wanted to share her words today.  

"The anguish of following your heart to do what you love is near impossible when it's broken. Nothing that this day demands as life goes on can deny the memory that has hold over me of this day. I relive every moment of that day, every feeling in overwhelming detail. I don't know if it's true that departed spirits relive their deaths and over, but I do.

The smell of the last load of laundry I did before we left, the sound and smell of her hairspray, the sound of her jeans swishing as she walked past me, texting on her phone as she walked, her key lanyard hanging from the pocket of her silver jeans, the way you blew upwards on your bangs because you were waiting on a hair appointment next week and it was too long, the smell of your gum and the way I hated how you chewed it. All the teenage drama of the day of how to meet up with who and where, riding in your car listening to your terrible play list and you and Laramies chatter and laughter behind me.... And then, laying in bed that night as the two of you carried on upstairs above me, rolling my eyes to myself listening to the two of you, part of me wishing for you to be quiet, the other half enjoying every silly moment. Never could I have imagined in that moment before I fell asleep that would be the last time I'd have that feeling ever again. No inkling of the nightmare about to occur in the day ahead where I would find myself standing in a still room, staring in disbelief at the bed the 2 of you had laid giggling in, staring blankly at the 2 pillows where your heads had been. Nothing left of you, but an undescribable void, except all the things of teenage girls scattered around the room as you'd left them. Gathering it all up into the lulu lemon bags you'd brought them in, in disbelief you'd never come home ever again, wondering how any of it could be true.

Today is not just an observance of a recurring calendar date. This day is reserved for a single, silent reverence that I selfishly demand time stop for, to hold the memory of your last day above everything else. Today is the single day I stop everything and permit myself to allow the memory of the tragedy that took you to escape the chamber of my heart where it must every other day remain locked, and I give way to all the things that must stay tucked away, unspoken and unexpressed as life continues on without you. To allow the silence be filled with the memories of the last day I had with you, and to recall how life was when you were part of it. To take solace and treat my unmended heart and examine it for all its pain, so that I can again travel the path all bereaved mothers must.

Its not that I need a calendar day to remember you by. You are remembered EVERY day. I thank God for you each and every day i had you here, EVERY Day. Not a single day ever passes without thinking what it would have been like with you in it. There has never been a single day in 16 years that something didn't remind me of you.

You were the magic in my life, though I didn't know it then. And though I have survived the trauma, the all encompassing shock of losing you, I am forever changed

by your loss and the loss of everything magical that you brought to our lives.

I sometimes wish everyone knew the me I was when I was completed by a daughter who was a fierce and beautiful force in this world, full of charisma, and beauty, who set the world on fire with her spirit and perspective. You touched so many lives with your unmistakable energy and brightness, you lent others courage and strength with just the confidence of your smile. You made me a mom and changed me the very first time I held you, and then again when I held your hand for the last time 16 years ago today.

I miss you Jaycena, my mad girl. I miss you more than I could ever have believed possible. I miss the magic and the sparkle you brought to our lives and to our family. I miss who I was with you. I miss all the moments that should have been shared with you these last 16 years. And most of all, I miss who you never had the chance to become and all the dreams I had for you.

What it meant to lose you, the world will never know." -- Leanne Mann

To have a daughter "who was a fierce and beautiful force in this word, full of charisma, and beauty, who set the world on fire with her world and perspective." It must be every mother's dream. It is a worthy pride. And an unimaginable horror to lose such a daughter.

My sister isn't alone in this, and Jaycena wasn't alone in her fate either. Brooke, Laramie, and Jaycena were together when a car struck theirs. Brooke and Laramie were also fierce and beautiful and full of joy and potential. Beloved by friends and family. Forever remembered in the hearts of all who knew them. My heart is with three mothers today.

The aftershocks continue, year after year, through family and friends and communities. A birthday, an anniversary, the smell of a type of hairspray can shake one to the core, even after all of these years. The shock of 16 years -- life has gone on as long without her as we got to live with her. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder not just who she would have been...but who would I have been as well.

Jaycena, Laramie, and Brooke -- you are loved, missed, and honored with tributes today, but more importantly loved, missed, and remembered every day.

Love you today, tomorrow, and always.

Thirty Two

 It's that kind of late summer day.  From the center of that old farmyard driveway, you can look between the last grainary on the end of the row of bins and the edge of the old steel Quonset.  There is tall grass that moves softly in the wind, a mixture of green and yellow blades swaying to the side, that mixture of colors like a mixture of summer and fall, wet and dry days.  A little path is visible in that grass, and your eyes follow it to the old runway,  and the hilly field behind it.  The sky is that deep dark blue, not quite purple.  It is rain coming, or is it twighlight? There is just enough of a breeze to blow her hair left, which it strikes me is a southerly wind.  Her head is tilted slightly to the right, I imagine she is listening to something he is saying. I can't hear them, their backs are to me, but there is an easy peace between this pair. Jaycena and Dad are sitting at the edge of that grass, shoulder to shoulder, looking out at that field.  Maybe they are watching those skies for a storm.  

But then I woke up.  Before I could get closer, and decide if I heard there was a giggle, or what soft words would be carried by on that wind.  I had this dream a while ago, but I think of it often.  In my mind, it makes me believe that at least they are together.

Today Jaycena would be 32.  16 years with and almost 16 years gone.  I have dreaded this milestone, the one where the time without overtakes the time with.  And it was indeed a hard day, just as I figured.  But, it's her birthday, and this day should celebrate all that she brought to her family and friends, and the world around her.

I always wonder what her day to day life would be like if she'd had the chance to see it.  I think back to when I was 32, and as I recall there was so much laughter, so many good friendships, and such fun.  And so whatever that day to day was, I know she would be surrounded with love, and at the center of much laughter and joy.  Just how we remember her.  I am pretty sure she would have been a force to be reckoned with...but can only imagine how she would have focused those passions.  Would it have been on a career, kids, a cause, or a series of adventures?  Maybe some of it, maybe all of it?  I know I would have been so proud.

Happy birthday our beautiful girl.  Thank you for being someone who exuded so much love, joy, honesty, and compassion that it spilled out and became something that they rest of us can still carry around with us.  Someone that I can close my eyes and think of, and can't help smiling because every memory you are either smiling ear to ear, laughing hysterically, or looking remarkably peaceful in a simple moment, or on a crappy day, you would still being comically dramatic about it all, that it made the rest of us laugh and want to cheer you up even if it really did suck.

I love you Jaycena, today, always and forever.  Give Grandpa a hug for me.  We will sit quietly tonight and listen to the echos from those far away days, and set out little lights and memories of thing near and dear to your heart, and thus ours.

Nibbles the Untamed Squirrel

Introducing Nibbles the Squirrel

I got at least one phone call letting me know about American Squirrelgate today.  A social media star, Peanut the Squirrel, was abducted and euthanized by New York wildlife officials who, according to the media, raided a man's home and euthanized his pet squirrel for fear of rabies.  People, and sometimes governments, can be cruel.  A poignant fact to think about 2 days from an election.  I find myself contemplating the importance of character in positions of authority.  It reminds me of something a talent manager told me when discussing how to motivate staff to performance.  He said -- you need to understand the motivation to lead.  If the motivation is power, never promote them to authority.  Intrinsic integrity and empathy are better foundations for leadership.  Find those motivated by achievement, contribution to the greater good as your future leaders.  Good advice I say.

But once more I am off topic.  RIP to Peanut the squirrel.  Here in the US there is a lot of media coverage, and especially social media response, to Peanut getting murdered.  It's actually become a political meme, because things are so very political here.  It shall be my goal to keep my squirrel safe by remaining wild, and apolitical.

  I do believe it's still legal for a squirrel to scurry along your deck, and so I will introduce Nibbles, the very untame squirrel.  Nibbles is cozied into some burrow out in the woods -- I know because I heard him chattering in a tree not so long ago.  Nibbles has given up raiding my bird feeder with all the snow...let's be honest, pioneering through 21 inches is a bit like climbing Everest when you are just a tiny rodent.

Nibbles appeared at my feeder after a long absence away from home this summer.  The cat sitter noted that she saw a squirrel on the deck, but the squirrel was so rattled to see her that he dove off the second story deck, bounced off her car, and ran off, never to be seen again during her tenure.

When I got home though, and was laying on the floor lazily with my equally lazy cat, Mr. Muffins, I was surprised to see Mr. Muffins jog over to the window.  Not a cat that is fond of exercise or play time, he virtually sprinted to the window.  Turns out while I was gone, he entered into a window peepshow relationship with said squirrel.  Much to my surprise, I noticed they were literally playing with each other.  The squirrel looking in, the cat looking out, both of them darting back and forth, and pricelesslessly, Mr, Muffins rolling over to match the squirrels' sideways saunter.  Such a darling character needed a name, and since this fearless little squirrel also ran the stellar jays off in pursuit of the best pickings at the feeder, I figured Nibbles was the perfect name.  Nibbles was as food motivated as Mr. Muffins.

I never quite understood what Nibbles saw in Mr. Muffins....Mr. Muffins' delight in Nibbles was easy to understand.  But day after day, Nibbles came to the feeder, and intentionally sought out Mr. Muffins.  Nibbles would look in and pat at the window if Mr. Muffins was napping and hadn't come running.

Nibbles looking for his starcrossed love, Mr. Muffins the cat

Maybe to Nibbles Mr. Muffins, in his glorious reddish brown fluffiness, looked like a giant squirrel god.  Or maybe, they just have that connection.  All I know is Nibbles is absolutely infatuated with Mr. Muffins.

 

Nibbles is even willing to wait before heading to the feeder for munchies until there is a little visit with Muffins.  He wasn't above doing Cirque du Soleil (or squirrel pole dancing) on my screen door.  Every once in a while I'd look up at the window and see him hanging upside down on the screen looking in.  There's something off about that squirrel I would tell myself.  That's probably why it's such an endearing little thing.

One day after work, I watched for Nibbles, but there was no Nibbles.  Nor the next day.  Surely by the weekend I thought.  Nope.  I peered outside and even tried calling, "Niiiibbbbllles" (as if the neighbors already didn't say "there's something off about that lady at the end of the street).  But alas, there was no Nibbles.  I started researching squirrel behavior, maybe he was hibernating.  Nope, apparently squirrels don't hibernate.  They do a thing called torrid, where they do deep sleep in the den, but not a formal hibernation.  The temps were also still too warm.  I researched if squirrels might go off a long way searching for a mate, but turns out they typically stay close to home.  5 days, 6 days went by.  I realized that by a week, I would have to accept that Nibbles was gone.  There are owls, eagles, stray cats, dogs, and a hundred ways for a squirrel to meet their demise around here.

On day 7, Saturday, Nibbles had still not been seen.  Mr. Muffins and I were equally despondent.  I sat quietly, thinking how much of a lift that little red squirrel made to my days, and to Mr. Muffins' days.  Then out of the corner of my eye, he bolted by the railing at lightning speed.  Nibbles came home!

I made sure there was an extra stock of peanuts in the bird feeder, and that Nibbles could have aaaalllll the munchies he wanted.

As cute as this little visitor has been, and as much as we joked about Nibbles becoming a house squirrel one day, he took his peanuts and stashed them in all his little woodland dens, and stopped coming with the first snow.  It's been over a week since Nibbles last stopped by.  I hope he took enough of the bird feeder rations to keep him safe and warm all winter, and hope that I see him chasing the birds on my deck in spring.  I will have to be content hearing his chattering opinions from nearby trees until he is able to make the journey back to my window and birdfeeder.

Turns out a squirrel named Peanut may influence and election and change the course of American history if one can believe the news.  And in this little corner of the world, one little squirrel named Nibbles brightened the lives of one fat cat and his owner (and a small facebook following) for a season.  Squirrel power!

Stay safe Nibbles!  

The Beginning of Toque Season

There are a few things Canada has that you are not found in the US (or at least not easily).

For chocolate bars it's Eatmore, Coffee Crisp, Cherry Blossums, mint Aero, and Mirage (plus several more that I can't think of off the top of my head).  I can't tell you how much I miss Ketchup chips and Cheezies.  There is no such thing as Shreddies cereal. and also, despite my best efforts, no puffed wheat to be found, which means no puffed wheat squares.  This has been particularly distressing to me since I reinvigorated my baking skills a few years ago.  It also took me several store trips to realize the alternative to Beehive corn syrup is a clear goo called Karo.

Every time I say the word toque in Alaska I am met with head tilts and raised eyebrows.  It seems toques are not a thing here.  I mean, they exist.  I have caught myself saying "nice toque" in an elevator and been met with utter bemusement.  Granted, that does seem like an odd thing to say now that I write it down, but I digress.  Apparently they are just called hats here, which quite honestly, is a disappointingly boring.  Wikidpedia confirms this is pretty much just a Canadian thing.  Sort of like a bunnyhug is just a Saskatchewan word for hoodie.

That said, I returned to Anchorage this week just in time for 21 inches of fresh snow this week.  And so I shall celebrate my toque and it's fuzzy warm glory with this post with a little foray into said snow.

The nice thing about first snow, it it usually hasn't turned into first ice yet.  So that was a plus for a little forest frolicking. 

It didn't escape my notice that the moss or lichen or whatever the fuzzy green stuff that grows on birch is looks like little frozen green snowflakes.  Thought that was kind of cool.

I saw evidence of my little woodpecker family.  I have to confess, the little spotted woodpeckers are one of my favorite feeder visitors.  They don't come often, but when they do, they are saucy!  And easily spooked.  They have certainly done a number on this tree though.

    

Final destination, my little sandbar by the river.  Some other residents have hauled a bench down there, and I have to admit it does make for a pretty picture and welcome spot to hang out for a bit.  And think about silly things like toques, and where they come from (France it would seem).  Fun fact, the traditional chef hat is called a toque.  And German judges wear a toque but pretty sure it looks nothing like the Canadian toque nor a chef cap.  It's nice to have time to ponder random oddities again.

Climbing Down the Corporate Ladder

 My place of employment may have been just a medium sized pond in the behemoth of a parent company...I was just a guppy in the bigger scheme of things, but I like to think I was at least one of those oversized goldfish in the pond that was ours.  

That came with the excitement of being in the thick of most of the things, knowing everyone on campus, and after almost 10 years, being one of those people that knew the reasons for why we started doing all the things that we did.  It also came with a company phone that I slept beside for 10 years.  I answered pings hiking on mountaintops, and didn't take a vacation in 10 years without the company laptop for the inevitable thing I would need to log in and help out with or complete, or check on. I didn't complain when the phone started pinging at 4am, interrupting my sleep just to see a bunch of people sending gif's to a mandatory work group from 2000 miles away.  It came with stress, and as the corporate upline team grew, so did the demands on the position, without any additional resources.  There was a gradual giving over of time.  A gradual increase in fatigue, and a turning inwards.  A preference to be home alone on days off rather than joining friends for social outings.  A chronic feeling of being tired and overwhelmed.  The busy work assigned from afar grew and grew, and some of work that supported the local team had to be sacrificed.  That brought on feelings of not being as effective, and some of that work was the work I felt was most important to the end client.

It took some thought, and introspection, and quite honestly a fresh family tragedy that left me without the reserve to tolerate one more thing.  Sometimes the universe gives you a nudge to get to where you need to be. That one more thing happened to be the latest new baby shark 2000 miles away behaving unkindly and unprofessionally on a call.  And that was that.  So I took a deep breath and started my climb down that ladder.  To be fair it was probably only a couple of rungs, but it still felt weird after years of taking on more and more responsibility.

I was nervous about how my decision would be received.  There are so many wonderful people on the local team, and with so many years, I dreaded disappointing anyone.  It was such a relief to be met with genuine appreciation for the work done and well wishes on the next phase of my career journey.

So after 2 weeks off, it's back to work on Monday.  As a smiling, anonymous little nemo, just looking to make a difference for others for 8 hours, and for once, make a difference for my own fishy self for the rest of the day.  

Keep on swimming, wherever that may be.

Front yard Forests

Many years ago a friend told me, always take the place with the view.  Even if it's just a snippet.  You will never regret taking the place with the view.  And I realized after spending a lot of time doing short weekend trips to get away from the city that I was in...the goal should be to wake up in your own bed on Saturday am where you would want to be on vacation.

I have never regretted taking this place with the view.

I decided to make today a little more low key, and just stick to exploring  my own front yard, versus a big hike.  I had not yet ambled down to the river just beyond the front door since all the snow melted.

 Along the way, the bluebells were thriving.  Reminds me of the old folk song "around us for gladness the bluebells were ringing, ah yet little thought I how soon we should part."  Now I have that stuck in my head lol.

The river was peaceful and I spent a little time foraging for cool rocks.  I decided I didn't need bug spray for such a quick walk through the forest.  I was wrong.  I was a fine feast for the skeeters.

Alaska flowers are tough little things.  I don't know what this is, but it is lovely, dug into the scraggly, dry rocky dirt and standing against the wind.

Deeper into the woods all of the lush greenery is reaching for the sun.

I am not positive, but I kind of think these are rosehip flowers.  They are certainly in all the spots I picked rosehips last fall.

All of the stumps have their own little vibrant ecosystem.

The view a couple hundred yards from my front door.  My friend was right.  Always go with the place with the view.  This spot has been such a refuge from the craziness of life and work.  I can wake up any morning and go soak in the view and soothe the soul.

Even found a little patch of lupines out front.  Thank you Alaska for finally giving us a sunny weekend!

Sunny Side Up To Flat Top

Looking up at Flat Top from the parking area for the Sunny Side way up

 

Flat Top is probably the most well known hike around Anchorage.  There are two routes that take you to a stunning vista from the mountain top overlooking Anchorage.  The road most travelled starts at the Glen Alps Trailhead.  The alternative route is the Sunny Side Trail, which starts off of Upper Canyon Road.  The road is narrow and parking is a bit of a nightmare.  But the trail is a bit better for folks like me who want to avoid the final push up and over a literal rockface of the main side (not to mention there are sections that are a bit gravelly, and I'd prefer to keep my feet and knees stable).

The Sunny Side Trail was indeed that.  It was a glorious day, with highs of 77F...the highest temperatures Anchorage has seen since July 2022.  The trail is rated Hard by All-Trails, and this windier route is 3.8 miles out and back (vs 2.8 on the front side).  The switchbacks are just that hair steeper than hikes like Mt Baldy in Eagle River that you can feel the hike is a bit more intense.

Just a few switchback in, you are already getting great views when you stop to guppy gasp for air like I did.

The first mile and a half is definitely the hardest section...just climbing those switchback to gain most of the 1600 ft altitude gain.  I admit this is only my 4th time doing this mountain.  I did 2 up the main trail, both times failing to scale that final rockface to the top.  And one other time doing the sunny side trail...which I preferred, but still kind of hated because it felt so dang hard on my old self.  However, I was graciously invited to go with the same small group that visited South Fork a couple of weekends ago, so I eagerly joined, despite the 0800 pick up to go to the trail.  I am not a morning person, and sadly, I was so groggy I missed putting my coffee mug under the espresso machine, so I was one shot away from human at the start of the day.  There was obviously no time for breakfast...so once more I was not fueled for speed. 

At the top of the last switchback, you go around a corner, and the last mile is a somewhat more gently incline that winds to cross the little snowpatch, and the winds up the ridgeline to the summit on the left.  I still needed some breaks on this section, it looks deceptively easy.

Stopping to photograph little bundles of wildflowers is another great way to sneak in some extra air and try to let the heart rate drop a bit.  To be fair, this beautiful little patch was photographed by all, even those who weren't gasping for air.

And once at the top....you can overlook the Cook Inlet and the City.

Rollie the dog at the top of the world!  Rollie didn't guppy gasp for air once.  Rollie is my hero.

Looking down towards where the main trial starts from Glen Alps trailhead.  Anchorage is in the background.

And of course, to me, looking away from the city and back to the mountain range is the far more beautiful view.  The snow is melting quickly, and it's so good to see all the lush green.

This has got to be one of the most posed on rocks in the area.

There is a lot of room to wander around up top and get different views (it is truly quite flat and spacious on top of Flat Top).  Alaskans tell it how it is.

And then it was back down.  I have reached the age where going down the mountain is just as hard as going up.  I don't go any faster...I just take fewer breaks.

I will say, I was feeling a little embarrased of my need for so many breaks, but when I realized we made it to the top in about 90 minutes, it takes me about 75 mins to go up Mt Baldy, which is shorter and less difficult.  So I think they group definitely got me to move a bit faster than I do on my solo hikes.  So maybe it wasn't such a bad performance after all.