Could've Been

My niece.  The budding artist.  A contagious energy.  She was filled with kindness, joy, compassion, curiosity, enthusiasm.  She felt things deeply.  She found humor almost anywhere.  She was just beginning to show her talents for visual arts.  She loved people, and cherished her friends so much.  She loved her music, and was drawn to songs with words that moved her.

12 years ago today, I started my Saturday morning with a call home.  We chatted about your volleyball tournanent, and little things.  We said I love you, because you always gave us that gift.  I never dreamed it would be the last time I heard your voice anyway except in my mind.  I'll never see what could've been.

12 years.  We are left to wonder the paths you'd have walked,  the life you'd be building.  But I know you would be what you always were through it all...curious, alternating between cautious and bold, vibrant, and happy.  I know you'd be surrounded with love from all you shared your spirit with.  This is still true, all these years later.

I pulled up some old photos, some of your 'edits' where you incorporated the things that you were engaged in.  I see the potential you had, and all your creativity -- in the memories you left with the simple things you had.  Your friends, a point and shoot camera, a free software app, your music and words, your perspective and spunk.  This is what remains...that spirit.  

 

The memories of joy, the echo of laughter.  We miss you...today, always, and forever.

Miss you still

 I haven't written anything for so long.  And I guess if I don't write today them I would probably be walking away from the blog forever.  So here I am.

This is a tradition I guess, trying to find words of wisdom to take the place of an in person celebration.  Holding on to cherished memories, afraid to lose one as another will never be able to take it's place.

But it would be your birthday.  You'd be 28.  When I wonder what your life would be like, I remember that 28 was when I finally had the job I really wanted, and I was starting to travel with work friends, always looking for the best postcards to send to you and your brother, hoping to plant seeds of places you would want to go early, so you'd get there earlier than I had.  So you'd go farther.  I remember still being oblivious --.charging through life without ever being aware how fragile it all is.  There's a happiness in that.  And I do imagine you happy, wherever your path would have taken you so far.

We are often surprised at where we end up.  But I always remember marveling at how much you were exactly who you were the very first time I met you.  So that's how I know you'd still have a smile that turned up just on one side when you were having a mischievous thought.  That you'd be fast to smile, and would have shed many tears because of that big, kind heart as well.  I think you'd have spent a lot of time with your Grandma this year, and I suspect you would have shared some of your mom's talents for organizing color and beauty.  You'd probably tease your brother in adulthood as much as you did back then, and counter your dad's humor with your own.  I think you'd still be in touch with all your old friends, and probably the center of activities in the place you had settled on as home.  I like to imagine that we'd have gone shopping in New York, and that once in a while you'd come hang out with your awesome Auntie, or that we'd go lay on a beach and feed all the stray animals for a week.  You'd light up the room for your uncles and Grandpa too, like you always did.

I bet you'd still love  lazy weekends in T-shirt and pajama bottoms.  I know you'd have a cat or three or four.  My music selection would be better with your taste, and how wonderful it would be to sit around and hear you laughing at stupid movies that are too terrible to be truly funny to me.  I know you'd still stay up crazy late and not mind falling asleep with the tv on, then sleep in late and wake up with crazy hair and a monosyllabic vocabulary for the first hour or two.   You'd still love animals.  And color. Talking to your friends.  Laughing about the obscure or the random path of a conversation.  There's so much I can never imagine, but I know most of these simple things would be the same.

Even as the weight of all the time without you adds up year over year, I can still feel my soul lighten just with the thoughts of the time we did have you.  And for everything year I wish was different, there are those precious 16 years that I wouldn't trade for anything.  Having you as my niece, even if only for 16 years, is worth a lifetime of sorrow.

Love you -- today, tomorrow, and always.

Twenty Seven

I sat up late last night wishing I could talk to you.  It be your twenty seventh birthday.  I imagined sitting on couches, with a cozy blanket, a warm drink and let the sound of your voice ring in my head.  I know exactly how you would sound, and your laugh has echoed in the hollows of my soul for almost 11 years -- and I pray it will forever.  What I don't know is what you would say.

I remember your humor so well.  The faux dramatic satire (wonder where you got that from).  The expressions and intonations in your voice.  But we didn't get to see you grow into a career, or go out into the world.  I expect you could have used your magnetic personality to be a leader in the   workplace.  And I wonder about the places you would have gone, and what paths that would have inspired you to pursue?

I wonder, in this imaginary conversation where I can hear the richness of your words, what you would tell me.  Would it be sharing simple happinesses about being a great mom?  Would it be angst at a challenge in your career?  Maybe you would have followed that love of randomness into becoming a traveler.  Or an activist.

I wish I could hear about all the things you had done.  I wish you could have had a chance to see and do all of these things, and my heart breaks at all that you should have had, all that you could have been.

I guess I don't know what you would be saying.  But I bet there would be smiles, some ease.  I am sure I would be proud of who you had become.  And I would be feeling so special that you were spending time with your old aunt.  Miss you every day.  Happy Birthday Jaycena.

Alaska Sea Life Center

Among the many things to do in Alaska is a scenic trip down to Seward.  The Alaska Sea Life Center is a nice place to stop in at.  This center, focussing on education and wildlife rehabilitation, is home to many soulful little creatures.  The first of which I encountered soon through the door.  I think this little guys was a rockfish...and he or she certainly has the eyes of an old soul.  

I then wandered to the window overlooking the seal pool, and saw one seal trying to peacefully enjoy sunning itself of a summer day.  But...we all have one of those 'friends'...this one apparently thinks playing Jaws is funny (not for the average seal I imagine).

In a suelte seal move, 'Jaws' got body slammed back into the pool lol.

I am not sure how the sea anemone's feel about this, but they live in the 'touch and feel' tank.  Fitting because they have so many fingers of their own, but guessing it gets a little old getting poked by preschoolers.  I predict an evolutionary adaptation of eel-like tazers by next summer.

Either way, the anemone's are shiny and silky, every one and an-y-one (pardon the attempt at the pun).

There are also lots of birds at the Sea Life Center.  I am always amazed at the variety of duck like creatures on the planet.  A lot of them definitely look like space-ducks, case in point below.

This puffin is looking a bit grizzled (but hey, that's what Rehab Centers are for, right?)

All the visitors are no reason to get one's feathers ruffled.  This little duck is sleeking down feathers and committed to always looking her finest.

Aaaaaand then there's crazy eyebrow angry duck.  If there are mad scientist ducks, I found one.

Here we have another seal soaking up some sun.

And much to my amazement, deep underwater in the 2 story tank, is it a stingray, is it a mini shark, is it a....wait, what is ithat?

It's a freaking penguin at the bottom of the tank.  So apparently, this is among the things that penguins do, steal fish food from the fish tanks.  I have this image of them just hanging out on iceflows, so, yeah, I guess they have to go somewhere for food.  I just wasn't expecting to see wings and feet in the fish tank lol!

This is the look of the residents when the penguin steals all their food.

A spotted harbor seal cozied up against the glass and wanted belly rubs.  Hopefully it wasn't because it thought I was in similar shape.  I'm going to go with it's just friendly, versus the idea that I look like a fellow seal.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  We are all unique, and I think this little guy has a beauty all of his own.  I would call him "The Professor."

And then of course, there are jellyfish.  Who doesn't love staring at jellyfish (particularly when on the other side of glass).  I can watch these little guys swoosh along for hours.

This little guy was about the size of a mandarine orange.  It just goes to show, it doesn't matter how small you may be in the world, you never know who is being inspired by your light.  Shine bright.

Life Lessons from a Porcupine

 Yesterday I willed my tired self out into the world, since the snowless days of Alaska are almost gone once more.  I made my way to the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center, which is always a good way to chill out and spend a day.  I met somebody new when I was there.  Twix.  Twix has been around humans since she was a wee porcupette -- she was found orphaned at just one day old with her umbilical cord still attached.  She was raised at the Conservation center, on goat milk, and seems to be quite alright with life with lots of humans to peer at, and a spacious cage with an awesome log to play on, and chicken wire to climb.  Hey, it beats traffic on the Glenn Highway.

Twix 

As I watched little Twix crawl about her cage, quick to come up to me and snuffle as she took in my scent, with large and expressively cute little porcupine nostrils, I realized she looks quite happy despite the fence.  Then I thought, orphaned, in a cage, but having the time of her life walking on her log, seeing the sites, and just being safe and warm and fed and entertained.  We all have our cage...maybe it's your job, your headspace, or something else.  But that doesn't mean you can't take joy in good snacks and your favorite log, and enjoy the day.


So there you have it.  Today's life lesson, from Twix the porcupine.

Isn't she the cutest!?

Now get out there and have your best day!

Don't Worry Be Happy

And then it was ten

March 28, 2009.  Feels like yesterday that we talked on the phone about the volleyball game, and the day.  Maybe it's because the better part of me is left back there, across this chasm of 10 years, but it feels like you are right there.  Like I should be able to hear your voice, see your smile, feel your hug.  I know how much all three of you are missed.  And after 10 years, the answers are no clearer, the scars not healed.  I know those things are among all the others that just will not be.  Yet I am grateful for the time we had with you.

As I said then, I say again today.  I love you today, tomorrow, and always.  Miss you!

It was the Best of Times, it was...the Best of Times

26.  That's how old she would be today.  I found myself thinking on the drive home today, where was I when I have 26, to try to imagine what she might be getting up to today.  I quickly realized that at 26, I was just figuring out that I didn't have it all figured out, but one thing I know for sure was I loved the time I spent with my favorite little humans.  At 26, I didn't know that half of my time with her was already gone.

So, those days were the best of days.  Life stretched out endlessly.  Laughter mixed with sparks rose up over bonfires and half burned marshmallows into timeless starry skies.  Decadent days spent in pajamas at the coffee table.  "Spin me again aunty!" and going round and round and round on a sunny Saskatchewan summer day.  Christmas day excitements.  Favorite pets, cartoon marathons, and the crinkle of nose before a laugh.

I grieve for all the lost time with you between then, and now, and all those still to come.  But I remember how happy you were.  There was always a giggle, a story, a smile.  Sure, there were also adorable bouts of indignant melodrama, as all wise old souls are prone too.  But mostly there was laughter, there was love.  We were all so happy back then.  All time with you was simply the best of times and...the best of times.


love you, today, always, and forever <3  Happy birthday my beautiful girl.