Where Do Words Go?

 Words are a funny thing.  I find them rolling around in my head all day, and too often, long into the night.  Where do words go?  Well, these days since I have been a bit of an Alaska hermit, and negligent on writing, they have stuck with me, and gone on little day hikes like these.  There's something wonderful about blue skies, the crunch of snow underfoot, and being alone with all of my words.

But in the far too distant past, I used to love to sit down and write.  Those words would roll out of my mind, off my fingertips, and into a quick blog or post...clearing up a little more headspace for me.    There are lots of words in conversations, so many of which get lost.  I kind of like the relative permanence of print.  Writing (or typing) stamps a deeper mark in my memory than chatting.  I initially started the blog as a way to keep friends from afar up to date on the latest shenanigans and create a tour book of my new locale to help plan their visits.  This past week a friend reached out stumbled across some words -- or shall I say the words found their way to them -- just when they needed them.  Those words from that far away day were needed again, thousands of miles and several years away for someone else.  I have to admit i kind of liked that.  It's one of the reasons I decided to sit down and write a post.

One of the other reasons was watching another friend, who started posted a quick video each week that he calls "Thursday's thought" (shout out to you Chris).  It started out with him building a habit, and I realized how much I was enjoying seeing that familiar face and hearing that familiar voice.  And rather recently, his videos have lengthened, the words are flowing longer, and the frequency is almost daily. His thoughts are becoming a storybook for those who want to join in.  It made those words inside my head begin gnawing for freedom.

Lastly, and it seems to be a theme, I have recently heard from several old friends.  At the root of many of the reconnections is a common theme.  The words.  The conversation starts out with "I remembered" a story, a tale, a long walk with words that would stand out what seems to be a lifetime later, some mine, some theirs.  Words that weaved connections long ago that tie us together.  The comfort of old friends and old words has been a wonderful gift this week.

So words, it seems, can go anywhere.  They may take a solo journey and never be heard or seen, or they might stick in a heart, or mind, or soul.  They can travel miles, years, inspire, change, or heal.  Words, it seems, might go just about anywhere.

Hugging your memory a little closer tonight

 "Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." -- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Another anniversary, another tough day.  While I celebrate the times we had with you, I remain acutely aware of your absence.  And with the loss of you came the loss of so many other things.  I didn't want to become somebody else, but it happened all the same.  C.S. Lewis also said "There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me."  I think I know what he meant when he said that.  We are still here, but we are not the same.  While we move through the world like anyone else, we can never touch it again in quite the same way.  There are joys, and laughter, but they are muted, not just by the sorrrow of your loss, but in the loss of faith in those illusions that good things happen to good people, that there is time, that there is safety.  It's hard to experience the world in the same way when the innocence of those imaginings is gone.  

I remember reading once, be it a myth or an old wives tale, that sometimes events are so tragic, so traumatic, that they create a ripple in whatever fabric separates this life and the next...that the veil between realms is thinned on anniversaries of those events.  It may not fit into any religion that I know, but, I like to think that on days like these, when our hearts are aching and we lay flowers, light candles, and remember you, that you are just a little closer to see the love we lay out for you.  I like to imagine you are a little closer to us on these days.  Sometimes I believe I can feel it.

I hope you are a little closer tonight.  I hope you know I got you colored roses, that I have a vase that seems just made for you, Laramie, and Brooke, and that I still raise up hearts, and love, like you were so good at doing.  I know you know we all miss you, and I hope your memory is dancing in the hearts and minds of all of your friends tonight as well.

I hope you know what a joy you brought into our lives...I think you always knew that, but I don't think you or any of us knew then that they were the best years of our lives.

Tonight I will sit back, and close my eyes, and watch you dancing in your flower girl dress with your bunny at your uncle's wedding.  I will watch you play fighting with your brother in the basement of grandma and grandpa's farm house.  I will watch you tease Uncle Loops.  I will look down at you, nose crinkles and eyes squinted as we spin round and round til dizzy, and hear you say "Spin me again Aunty!"  I will watch you at the playground with Grandma.  I will laugh at you watching TV curled up with Grandpa.  I'll watch you as a young lady hopping in the car with your mom that last trip home when I saw you.  I will watch you with your cousins around the Christmas tree.  I'll watch you carrying Burpee cat everywhere.  I'll watch you drawing, and playing with horses.  And my heart will break again with the bittersweet combination of pain and happiness that it all brings  Because in his wisdom, C.S. Lewis also said grief is all the love you want to give but cannot...grief is just love with no place to go.  

I will think of you with all the friends you left behind, and I will think of you with the friends at your side.  I hope all of our families are comforted by our memories tonight. 

I hope you feel all the love, my  special girl.  We love and miss you so much.

Twenty Nine

She would be twenty nine today. 

February 18, 1993 I became an aunty. We all fell in love with the pretty baby girl with the big brown eyes.  I would have never imagined then that the time we would be so short.  They were such happy times.  

This was the little girl who would sleep late in her lion king jammies (she was a bit nocturnal), walk out with hair awry, sleepy eyes, dragging her stuffed bunny and crawl onto laps for cuddles over coffee.  We all endured the Barney the purple dinosaur years as she watched it with wide eyed delight, the Pokemon phase, the Disney phase (Spirit was her favorite because our girl loved horses).  I remember that she hated dresses as a little girl, until I got us kind of matching ones, then she insisted on living in out most of her two year old life.  She was goofy and loved being outside, being at the playground, and she loved her little brother.  She loved animals.  And she loved people.  I got the be 'the far away aunt' so it was always a treat and fun when I visited.  "Spin me again aunty!"...we'd spin until dizzy, play with cats, tease the family.  I enjoyed having a little mini me.  She was most definitely my sister's girl...pretty, spunky, occasionally dramatic...but she was also most definitely a bit like her Aunty.

Sometimes it's hard to think back on life before she was born.  Something about being that person who didn't yet know she would enter our lives (and worse still that the careless actions of another would tear her away) is tsomehow painful, unfathomable, and intolerable.  To be so naive about life, and the depth of loss that would come...I don't know, I just can't go there for some reason.  The say love changes you.  So does loss.

So on Feb 18th, which can be one of the harder days of the year, I light a green candle.  And I think about all the happiness that came into our lives on this day.  I think about the ways she is still with us all, the little things that happen that just have to be signs.  She would be 29.  She might be being a little neurotic about almost being 30.  I don't get to know if she would be married, or have kids, but I bet she'd be excited to be helping one of her besties plan her wedding that's coming up this year, and I bet her other friends kids would love her and call her the fun aunt if she didn't have a couple of her own.  I hope she would have travelled.  I hope she would have a job she'd loved, but also found a way to do from home or on the road.  I would hope she would have made some epic journey's and stories in this decade...heck, I know she would have.

I like to think that while she didn't get to do these things, that we carry her with us.  When we, her family and beloved friends, see a new city, catch the twilight prairie skies, or pause to marvel at a funny leaf, or help a stray critter, that she is right there with us.  That she sees and lives on with us.

I always loved this photo of her, looking out over the horizon, and know she intended to capture the irony of being behind a barbed wire fence looking out into a vast expanse of beautiful skies and the unknown.  She was artsy in ways we were just beginning to understand.  A deep and old soul I think.

I love that she gave us such great memories to treasure.  Who can forget the bug bowl birthday present, the silly cat names, the wit and sarcasms.  It was so much fun watching her become a person it was so easy to be proud of.  She was a good person.  She made people feel special.  She cared about them.  She had real impacts on them, even if her own time was so short.

Twenty Nine.  Thirteen years of echoes in my head instead of your voice on the phone,  thirteen years of questions and imaginings where there should be new memories.  Sixteen years is such a short time.  It can never be enough.  Yet in another 13 years, it will still be everything to me.  I love you Jaycena, today, always, and forever.

(F)Rosy-Cheeks on a Peaceful Black Friday

 

It's always nice when Thanksgiving falls right before the weekend.  In this case that leads into a 4 day weekend.  Yesterday was spent with a couple of old friends and a few new, and a large afternoon feast.  I saw it was still cold, -17C, and debated spending a quiet day indoors, maybe doing some Black Friday shopping.  I quickly discovered there are new shipping surcharges being applied from my favorite online go to shops, and decided if I need it I can find it locally.  So I made one very quick stop in a surprisingly quiet big box store, and felt a bit inspired by the fresh snow on all the trees.

So I tried to find some warm layers and headed down to the Eagle River Nature Center set on a quick walk.  I knew this time I didn't need the snowshoes, and since it was already late afternoon just did a quick lap to the viewing decks, up the start of dewmound trail, back down the cumulous connector, and up to 4 corners.  I was hoping I might time it for a twilight moose in the river...but it was not meant to be today.

It was, however, a gorgeous walk in the woods.  The Eagle River Nature Center is a great place to get out into the woods, without being too far out on your own.  There is a staffed visitor center from 10-5 most days, and well marked and groomed trails.  You are always likely to run into a few people (and dogs), but also never likely to feel crowded.  The trails are well marked, so anyone visiting out of town can feel quite relaxed on these trails.  This time of year most of the visitors are doing some cross country skiing.

As it was a little later in the day, the light was just starting glow, and reflect off the waters and mountains like pink marshmallow fluff.  But no moose for me today.

I have never seen this very shallow stream completely frozen over.  In the summer salmon make their way all the way back here, dozens of miles inland.  Today it is just me and the twilight listening to water move slowly by.

I admit my cheeks got a little rosy (or (F)rosy) in the cooler weather, but it was worth it!  Happy one of my work colleagues knitted me a nice warm scarf last winter as well!

No harm in getting a little cold, when it's just a short drive back to your cozy warm house and cozy warm cat (who insists you keep your distance until properly thawed.  Cats are judgy like that).

Winter Wonderland

 It was crisp out today, even  by Canada standards.  I threw the snowshoes in the car and headed to the Eagle River Nature Center hoping to find some powdery trails to practice a bit more in.  I was surprised to see my car panel read -20C outside (yes, I still cannot speak Fahrenheit).  I was also surprised that I was still gung ho to go, since that's pretty cold by standards in the Anchorage bowl (it's usually a bit warmer being near the coast/inlet)

So glad I did!  It was an absolutely gorgeous, desolate, quiet day.  Just the sounds of my own feet crunching in the snow, and the odd woodpecker rhythmically pecking away.  I encountered a handful of people but less than 10 in 2 hours, so it was like having the place to myself.

When I looked online for places to do beginning snowshoeing, Eagle River Nature Center is one of the spots listed.  I was thinking the main trail to the viewing decks would be solid pack, but some of the other trails would not be.  Turns out they are all groomed somewhat, so after a few minutes of looking silly, and one foray down a hill through a wooded area just to satisfy my inner child and go offroad, and starting along the Albert loop and reaffirming the trails were groomer, I took them off and carried them for the most part.  They might come in handy here on an icy day, but in the soft packed powder, the Sorels alone were just fine.

Despite it being -20C, the river is still bubbling along.  It was a stunning scene.

Up at the viewing decks, it was all still, calm, and snowy white.  I confess I just had the cell phone with me, no camera, and it was struggling to capture a pic that was anything but midnight blue, so this was about the truest to real that I could get in that spot with the light.

Along the board walks the river was battling between flowing and freezing at the surface, with many frozen spheres moving on the surface.

Along the Albert loops, there is an offshoot called the Geological tour.  This was the road less travelled, and made for my snowshoes.  So I did get to put them on and go mucking through deep snow for a while.  I was following the path of a lone skier who eventually gave up as the ski tracks turned to deep footprints.  Definately the right spot for the snowshoes.

It has been a while since I was at the nature center.  I think the lesson for next time is that it's probably a better spot to bring the camera than the snowshoes.  But with blue skies and all this beauty, still a fabulous afternoon stroll.

Oh, and further to my post Bezmars-o, just want to highlight that I am sporting another "buy local" item, likely to be my most frequently worn piece of clothing the next several months -- my Alaska Chicks Company wool beanie.  Super warm and comfy,  I initially gave one as a gift, then decided I needed to go back and get one for me too.  Sunny blue skies, sunny smiling face while walking in a winter wonderland.  Thanks for another great day Alaska!

Dang I love days like these

I've worked easier jobs.  I've lived more glamorous days.  I miss both of those things on many days.  But not this day.  After 14 inches of fresh powdery snow on Wednesday night, today was the inaugural walk in my first set of snowshoes.  And it was fabulous.

Fortunately, I chose well in choosing a spot to call home, and I was literally able to amble out of the front door, strap on the snowshoes, and be in this in about 100 steps.

I wanted to do the first walk right by the house, since I wasn't really sure if there was a knack or skill involved with this.  If nothing else, I could crawl home if it ended badly.  It's possible I'm doing it wrong, but really it was just walking.  And a lovely walk indeed.

Down by the river there were some moose tracks, and a lone eagle flew overhead, probably amused by my delight at lumbering through the deep snow.  It was nice, and quiet, and people free -- my favorite weekend things!

My summer hiking poles work well in the winter as well.  You can add "snow baskets" to the poles in winter, but the powder was so deep and soft neither pole nor snowshoe was really staying right on top of it.  It was nice to not have to worry about ice or slipping on the downhill parts.  Looks like it will still be a while before I can walk on the river.  Will wait til I see a few fat tire bikers cross safely first.

Yup.  Days like these make the harder ones worth it.  Thanks Alaska.  Stay awesome.

Bezmars-o

 Everyone at work has already been talking about Christmas shopping.  Maybe it's because we're a reeeeally long way from true metropolitan shopping.  But they are talking about getting the orders in quickly.  The mail will be slow.  There's a shortage of everything.  And then, they say they are ordering from Amazon early.

Don't do it, I said.  Remember the great toilet paper panic buying of 2020.  Do we need to collapse the fragile supply chain ordering this year's equivalent of the furby.  But more importantly, Jeff Bezos just went to space.  The ultra rich are so damn rich they can have their own rockets.  What happens if Jeff Bezos DOES get to Mars?  And if he's the first one there, does he get to plant a flag and claim it as his own colony?  Would we have to call it Bezmars?  It would be werid.  Bizarro...or shall I say, Bezmarso.

That said, I still love Christmas, and Christmas shopping....I am just going to try very hard to not fund an intergalactic takeover by the billionaires.  To be clear, there is a very good chance that everything I purchase will further spread the wealth gap between me (the poor consumer) and the merchant...but I can feel reasonably good about it if there are no space ships in the employee parking lot when I go to peruse their wares.

The other bee in my shopping bonnet this year is related to climate change and finding smaller sources, possibly sustainable gifts.  Yeah, I am going there.  Climate change is real  (and so is COVID but that's another post for another time).  Back in the 80's and the school days, and all the scary stuff they talked about is happening.  To be fair, we thought it was going to be from our hairspray (and even more so Bon Jovi's hairspray) and freon, so it wasn't completely accurate (nor did my choice in music truly lead to the decline of the western civilization as was also theorized at the time).

So, I have come across some reasonable products that I like that may make their way into gift bags this year, and all of them check some of the boxes as well -- none are perfect and carbon footprint free.  Heck, even when I washed ducks, I burned fossil fuels to get to the duck scrubbing location.

1st up -- Blueland products.  I got this for me for my birthday this year (that and I adopted my re-used shelter cat Mr. Muffins).  This is the glass bottles for hand soap where you add water and a soap tablet --  bottles are re-useable, recyclable if you ever break or get rid of, and, the tablets are small so you save save some carbon footprint by shipping small tablet refills, rather than giant bottles of soap (which are mostly water anyway).  

The best part is the two entire houseguests I have had in the last 3 months in COVID surge-land up here have both commented that they LOVE my foaming hand soap and bottles, and both wanted to know where they could get them.  They look nice, and they are a guest pleaser, so these are making somebody's gift this year.

As an aside, there are several other companies doing similar product lines, including Doterra.  I fully expect some of the Doterra hand lotions to end up in some gifts this year as well.

Another cool product I have fallen in love with is Prose haircare.  It costs a bit more than your standard drug store haircare...probably about the same salon care, but it's really good.  You fill out an online questionaire and get a formula tailored to your hair needs.  When it's time for re-order, you also rate the product on how it met the needs you asked for...and will tweak the formula to improve with each order.  My hair has gotten curlier as I have gotten older...also drier and fuzzier.  What I notice is my hair is sooooo soft now.   And less fuzzy.   I love the fragrance I picked, and have to say, so far I am smitten.  Yes, the bottle has your name on it.  And they let you opt out of the plastic pumps on refills, because, every bit reducuced counts they say on their website, and me (and the global turtle population) agree.  I wish the bottles were glass as well, but they are plastic.

So this year, as I look to smaller companies, more eco-friendly options, I am also reminded of one of the hit gifts from last Christmas.  Jerky in a box, from a small company in Drake, Saskatchewan (population 250) -- you know I have a soft spot for small town Saskatchewan.  This gift was definitely a winner!

And a local Eagle River favorite spot -- Alaska chicks.  Gifted someone a wool beanie the other day and it was so cute I went back and grabbed another for me.

Advertising?  Not really, because I don't get paid for these recommendations.  Just thought I would give a shout out to some of the little(er) guys who make great gifts, without creating space junk  and rocket fumes off the profits.